Witty Quotes
by Dragongirl76
Summary: Funny insults and jokes to tell your friends!
1. Chapter 1

Quotes

1) What good is light when theres no darkness?~Ryou Bakura,story

2)As the other dies, their agony radiates through my body and living throught it is pure ecstasy- Hidan, Naruto

3)God has passed judgement on you!-Scar, FMA. Great another Kira.

4)Flippy- I'm a self-hating narcissist. One of my Htf stories.

5)You know your in love when reality is finally better than your dreams- Dr. Seuss

6)"Oldie Moldie Voldie." Me

7) Your Mom!-Some Genious

8)I dont trust women, because whatever bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die scares me.- Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, A really good story I read on Fanfiction.

Yourself

9)Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?

10) "Why do you talk to yourself?" "Cuz I like intelligent conversation."

11)Normal people scare me,but not as much as I scare them

12)I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it

13)The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader!

14)It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and 4 to back hand someone

15)Sticks and stones may scar my skin, but words slice through my soul within

16)And the truth is; you could slit my throat; and with my last gasping breath; I'd apologize... For bleeding on your shirt!

17)I used to eat alot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

18)Did you know? Sarcasim is the body's natural defense against stupidity

19)Ya know, some times I wish my grass was emo, so that way it'd cut itself

20)Behind every untrusting girl is someone who made her that way.

21)When your down I may not be able to pick you up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you.

22)The closer you get to light, the bigger your shadow grows.

23)Chaos, panic, and general disorder, my work here is done

24)When it comes to chocolate,resistance is futile -Heh Me

25)You say you dislike me,but deep down I know you hate me

26)Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas

27)Heh, I'm looking forward to regretting this.

28)Dont judge a book by it's cover,nor a person by their scars

Best Friends

29)A best friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night and say you murdered someone and they'ed ask "Need help hiding the body?"

30)A friend would bail you out of jail,  
>your best friend would be in the next room saying "That was awsome! Lets do it again!"<p>

Romance

31)He said 'I love you', I laughed and said sorry I'm allergic to bullshit.

32)Unfortunately, you cant die of a broken heart, you only wish you did

33)Its not until your broken that you know what your made of

34)The one thing worse than a boy who hates you is a boy that loves you.

35)Men arent worth your tears and the one that is wont make you cry

36)When I'm alone, he speaks to me  
>When I'm sad, he cheers me up<br>When he's angry, I calm him down  
>When he's happy, I'm happy<p>

37)The worst way to miss someone, is having them by your side, but knowing they'll be yours

Death

38)Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that.

39)Death is God's way of saying "You're fired!"

40)Suicide is Human's way of saying "You cant fire me! I quit!"

41)Life is God's way of kicking your ass out of Heaven, yelling "And dont come back!"

42)Death is God's way of dragging you back to Heaven mumbling "Okay I think you've done enough damage."

43)You cant spell slaughter without laughter!

44)Heaven doesnt want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

45)When I wake up, the devil finds somewhere to hide

46)Tired of living,but scared of dying

47)To die is nothing but a long goodbye  
>Rhymes<p>

48)An Ode to Yaoi:  
>If yaoi were vodka and I were a duck,<br>I'd swim to the bottom and drink myself up.  
>But yaoi ain't vodka and I aint a duck,<br>So gimme some yaoi and shut the fuck up

49)You say Soulija boy; I say Judias Priest  
>You say Miley Cirus; I say Ld Zepplin<br>You say T-pain ; I say Kiss  
>You say Flowers; I say Metallica<br>You say Pink; I say Iron Maiden  
>You say Pop; I scream Heavy Metal<br>You say Hip Hop; I say shut the fuck up  
>You say Hannah Montana; I hit you in the face<p>

50)You say Hannah Montana; I say 3 Days Grace  
>You say Baby Pink; I say Blood Red<br>You say HSM; I say Naruto  
>You say Rap; I say Rock<br>Yous say I'm weird; I say Yes I am!

51)Ode of Irony  
>One bright day in the middle of the night,<br>Two dead boys got up to fight,  
>Back to back, they faced each other,<br>Drew their swords and shot each other,  
>A deaf policeman heard the noise,<br>So he came and killed those two dead boys,  
>Dont believe my story, yes its true,<br>Ask the blind man, he saw it too.

52)Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, which bean stalk did you fall from?

53)A wise girl kisses but doesnt love,  
>listens but dosent believe and leaves before she is left.<p>

54)Got a problem with me? Solve it!  
>ThinkI'm tripping too much? Tie my shoes!<br>Cant stand me? Sit down!  
>Cant face me? Turn around<p>

55)The sun has set, the moon has risen, Todays the day is the day we break out of prison.

56)If you cant beat em,join em  
>If you cant join em, bribe em<br>If you cant bribe em, blackmail em  
>If you cant blackmail em, kill em<br>If you cant kill em, your screwed

57)1,2 Yugi beats you  
>3,4 Duke we adore<br>5,6 Seto's a prick  
>7,8 Bakua's straight<br>9,10 Let the games begin

58)1,2 Freddy's comin for you  
>3,4 He wants in your back door<br>5,6 He doesnt like chicks  
>7,8 He's far from straight<br>9,10 He sleeps with men  
>11,12 I'll see you in hell<p>

59)A, B, C, D, E, F, G, Barney is my enemy, stick a pistle up his nose, pull the trigger, there he goes  
>H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Barney was my enemy.<p>

Truths

60)Wanna know why God made Man before Woman? Cuz every master piece needs a rough draft

61)Sasuke Uchiha... Just when you thought you were too old to hate a cartoon character

62)If darkness is bad, why does it hide you?  
>If light is good, why does it blind you?<p>

63)There is no such thing as peace so long as there is war.

64)War doesnt determine who's right, war determines who's left

65)The two strongest emotions in the human heart; Love and Hate. Hate cant hurt you but Love can. That is why Hate is your best friend and Love is your worst enemy.

66)Guy: But we have so much in common!  
>Girl: Ever heard opposites attract?<p>

67)Love cant exist without Hate

68)Violence is never the answer. Well your right. Its the question and the answer is Hell yeah!

69)I write for the same reason I breath. Cuz if I didnt I would die.

70) God gave us 2 eyes, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 arms, and 2 legs, but only 1 heart cuz he gave the other to someone else and its your job to try and find it~Girl from DA

71) 5 Truths of Life  
>1] you cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue<br>2] all idiots, after reading the 1st, tryed it  
>3] the first truth is a lie<br>4] you're smiling right now cuz you know you fell for it  
>5] you still have a smile lingering on your face.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Insults  
>1) I called your boyfrend gay and he hit me with his purse!<p>

2) Roses are red; violets are blue, God made me pretty what the hell happened to you?

3) Right now I'm sitting here looking at you, trying to see things from your point fo view, but I cant stick my head THAT far up my ass.

4) A pretty girl can kiss a guy. A bird can kiss a butterfly. The rising sun can kiss the grass. But you my friend! Yes you! You can kiss my ass!

5)Poof begone, your breath is too strong. I dont want to be mean, but you need Listeren. Not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole friggin bottle

6)People like you are the reason people like me need medication

7)Dont piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

8)Everyone is intitled to be stupid, but you abuse that privlige

9)Im not anti-social; I just dont like you

10)If you're going to act like a dick, you could at least wear a condom on your head, so you can look like one!

11)Cancle my subscribtions I'm tired of your issues

12)How do you keep an idiot in suspence? Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

13)God made mountains, trees, and you, but we all make mistakes

14)Sorry I cant think of an insult stupid enough for you

15)When you were born, you were so ugly that instead of slapping you, the doctor slapped your mom!

16)My mom said dont talk to strangers and well your strange so I guess that means I cant talk to you

17)Cry me a river, build a bridge, and GET OVER IT!

18)If you didnt have feet you wouldnt wear shoes, then why do you wear a bra?

Funny  
>19) Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe<p>

20)The difference between genious and stupidity is, genious has its limits

21)When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate!

22)Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance?

23)You laugh cuz I'm different, I laugh cuz your all the same

24)Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

25)I know how to do things 3 ways: The right way, the wrong way and my way, which is the wrong way only faster

26)Curiosity killed the cat, satifaction brought it back

27)Fighting is mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter

28)Knowledge is power, Power corrupts, study hard, be EVIL

29)Dont look at me in that tone of voice

30)Reasons to join the Dark Side  
>A)We have cookies<br>B)We dont pay our electricity bill  
>C)Meet the recruitment bunny<br>D)You get a cool dark cape that covers your whole body  
>E)You get a cool crazy evil laugh<br>F)You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys  
>G)One word:UNDERLINGS. Someone to get thinges for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself<br>H)$$$(Notice that we're usually richer than the good guys)  
>I)Screw the cookies. We have YAOI!<p>

31)Welcome to my world. Now go home

32) 1 thing 2 say 3 Days Grace 4 ever

33)Slash like a madman...Best Advice EVER!

34)I like stressed better backwords: Desserts

35)Just think of me as your worst nightmare and everything will be ok. Take my hand and follow me into some true insanity.

36)When life gives you lemons, you read em, smile, and wipe away the nosebleeds

37)When life gives you lemons, stop the nosebleeds fangirls, and take pictures

38)Only in America are 'poor' people fat

39)This is Bob -Bob burning on a fire- Bob tried to steal my cookies. Haha Bob.

40)Silence is golden, but duct type is silver

41)I'm not a stalker, I'm just curious. Oh by the way your out of milk

42)Can you run 850 feet per second? If not your head better be bullet proof

43)I didnt hit you. I just high-fived your face

44)The more you learn, the more your know  
>the more you know, the more you forget<br>the more you forget, the less you know, so why learn?

45)Me and you are friends, you cry, I cry. You laugh,I laugh, you jump off a bridge I laugh harder

46)Smart people will rule the world some day, but lets let the stupid people have their fun

47)I had super powers, but my therapist took them away

48)Some people see the glass half-full, others see it half empty, I see it and think who the hell drank half my soda

49)You know you live in the 21st century when-  
>1)you accidently enter your passsword into the microwave<br>2)you havent played solitaire with real cards in years  
>3)the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they dont have a myspace or facebook<br>4)you'd rather look all over the house for the controller than just pushing the button on the TV  
>6)your boss dosent even have the ability to do your job<br>7)you read the list and kept nodding and smilling  
>8)as you read the list, you think about showing your friends<br>9)and your too busy to notice #5  
>10)you acually scrolled up to check that there was a #5<br>11)and now you're laughing at your stupidity

50)I'm worse than evil... I'm an author

51)Forgive your enemies, they drop their guard

52)Don't worry about the world ending today, its already tomorrow in Australia

53)Yeah...try telling your parents you want to write hot gay buttsex for a doesnt go over well

54)Fuck Team Edward and his hordes of dipshit followers, I'm going with Team Fai!

55)That which does not kill me better run pretty damn fast (or)will probably try again

56)Girl 1:When I get older I'm going to kill a million Jews and one clown  
>Girl 2: Why the clown?<br>Girl 1:See? No one cares about the Jews!

57)We live in an age where pizza gets to your house faster than the police

58)your slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter

59)F.E.A.R- Fuck Everything And Run

60)Therapist The/rapist scary thought

61)Sometimes I lie awaky at night and I ask 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then the voice inside my head will say 'This is going to take more than one night'

62)I'm not shy, I'm quietly plotting your imminent doom

63)I'm smiling. That alone should scare you

64)Adults always blame our generation, but have they ever stopped to think who raised us?

65)If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro' does that mean 'congress' is the opposite of 'progress'? and the 'constitution' the opposite of 'prostitution'?

66)Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies

67)Never drink water, it can rust iron. think of what it can do to your stomach

68)If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? and is it suicide or murder?

69)If you die before me, ask if you can bring a friend

70)Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse.

71)If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear to the bible?

72)All the good ones are either gay, married,or fictional characters in a book or movie

73)Nice guys are ugly, Hot guys are jerks, and hot nice guys are gay

74)Guess what?  
>1) go to 3<br>2)now go to 6  
>3)oopsie, 7<br>4)Now 9  
>5)Erm...let us go to...8<br>6)you just lost the game  
>7)Oopsies again...go to 4<br>8)almost there, go to 10  
>9)I said 5! GO AWAY!<br>10)now go to 2

75)Team Jason!  
>Because who wants a pussy sparkle-pyre when you can have a 6''6 Machete wielding murderer?<p>

76)Team Freddy!  
>Because I'd rather my men be Well-done than undercooked.<p>

77)"You must be a genral because you caught my private's attention!"-My friend Margret


End file.
